Greetings! I just got back from walking roughly 2-3 miles in about an hour for the sole purpose of hatching virtual Pokemon eggs and catching virtual creatures around the city! Also has the added bonus (?) of making me exercise and letting me practice saying hello and talking to strangers instead of half-smiling and power-walking away in terror like a normally do.
But now I’m showered and want to do nothing more than just sit around not moving. Well actually, that’s always what I want to do. Were I not such a workaholic, my simself wouldn’t have a single active point.
Last time we were here, Evil heir Bruce Whelohff had knocked premarital teen boots with his first of two beloveds, Shawanda Pertridge-Riverhawk, who we last saw successfully moved into the legacy household and shrieking in rage. I looked up my conversations with Selena and found Shawanda’s full trait list, so let’s begin!
“I may like those horses, but they can go fuck themselves!”
She’s… Social Butterfly, Mean-Spirited, Grumpy, Absent-Minded, and Easily-Impressed. Oh yeah. What a hell of a couple she and Bruce (Evil, Loner, Insane, Irresistible, Animal Lover) make.
“Oh, hi, Mom! Nice of you to visit my humble abode, complete with an unrendered door.”
“Hmmm, you seem nice and innocent. I bet you’d do well on the floor.”
Yep, Lucy’s doing well. Got herself a lover and a baby. Being the spare is working out well.
“Mommy, why did we move into this place?”
“What? You don’t like having a stove, enough beds, and a horde of pets?”
“I don’t like rotten food, Mommy.”
Yeah, so the house Shawanda and her kids lived in seriously had no stove and like, one bed. Good going, StoryProgression!
“So you’re Emilia. Meeting you is like being hit by hail.”
“Indeed, were you a bug, I would squash you this instant!”
“Seriously, asshole?! My dog just died!”
So Shawanda’s getting along well with the family.
“What the–?! Hey, I’m starving here! Get out of there!”
“Um, Dad, you kind of… Interrupted us.”
“Thank god. I don’t think the horses want to eat hay with bodily fluids.”
Hey, you never know with our horses, Pierce!
Look, Shawanda, let’s give you something to do that doesn’t involve terrorizing the family.
“But I’m supposed to be a photographer.”
You can photograph your good job.
“Ugh, seriously?! Hurry up, Grim, I need to pee!”
“Come, cat who is likely Muchi, it is your time!”
“Oh hi, Emilia, what up.”
“Oh my god, Presumably-Muchi!”
“I can’t believe how filthy this yard is. Worse than Slobs, I swear.”
“Hee hee, you think you can take on me, Death itself? Go on, try!”
“Nooo, not the bird too! Look at my red plumbob!”
Your plumbob is red over the dog and cat, not the pigeon.
“Noooo, I’m so broken up over a cat I did not know!”
At least you put the lizard back. Always annoying when I have to recatch those.
“Oh, hey there, Fru Fru! Please don’t eat my hair.”
So when Bruce is outside, the horses mob him. Inside, the cats mob him. And everywhere, the humans mob him.
Pierce, dude, you should know how to take care of yourself by now. It’s not hard.
“So what you do, Fru, is you have to take a knife and cut open the top like this…”
“Well, thankfully I didn’t puke the baby out!”
Yay, the second of four kids!
“Oh boy, Duchess, let’s place in the garage!”
“Excuse me, Jackrabbit, you’re in my way.”
“I just want to say hi!”
“And you’re in the way of saying hi!”
“I swear, Mom’s going utterly senile.”
“At least she can still bathe herself.”
“That’s awfully rude! I’m not a cat! I can’t just clean myself!”
“Well you aren’t a horse either! So there!”
“Excuse me, could I get some petting, a hello, therapy, anything?”
Sorry, Emilia’s too busy drawing… Something.
Lamont, take care of the cats, would you?
“What am I, a slave?”
Well, yes, actually.
Shawanda, are you letting the horse check out your boobs?
Lamont, I told you to take care of the cats.
“And I did.”
Bruce, please hurry up on that potion before your son kills the cats.
“Look, son, you smell like a horse that just ran through a swamp.”
“Look, mom, it’s not my fault the humans won’t clean me!”
“God, Bruce, it’s so sad. My baby daddy died!”
“Gee, that’s just awful, sis. Excuse me, sneaking here.”
It seems that Hidden Springs parties are hotbeds for romance. THough in this case, it looks like the beginning of a porno movie. Hot Mechanic Action!
Also why in the world did I never wait for things to render?
So I went to check on the other Sims, and came back to find Bruce feeling flirty! Bruce! What are you doing?!
“Oh baby, you know you can’t resist my charms.”
He looks way too ecstatic over that kiss.
Oh, fine, have your kiss. At least this gives us a good way to get Shawanda out of the family.
Speaking of Shawanda, like all pregnant Sims she wanted to go to the spa. Unlike with most pregnant Sims, I indulged her. Fuck knows we have enough money.
“Hmmm, you smell okay, at least. What are we going to do about Jackrabbit?”
“Hmmm, you know what we need? Another gift-giving party!”
And who doesn’t put out jack-o-lanterns for Christmas?
“Don! You came!”
“Emilia. Please don’t fall into me again. Samara may seven-days you.”
“Hmmm, a bit more vodka, and then…”
Shawanda, get away from the bar!
Sure, Don, play with the cow plant in your swim trunks in the middle of a snow storm.
“Ugh, seriously, could you not do that in front of me?”
“Oh, baby, I love your dress. I’d love even more to see what’s underneath.”
Which person is saying this? You decide!
“Dammit! That’s the old person chair!”
Well, she does live here.
“Way in the land of night, where even the stars are gone…”
Excuse me, could we get this gigantic trash pile off of the floor, please.
“Hahaha, screw you, snowman! You think you can take on a pregnant woman?!”
“Hmmm, is this how doing laundry works?”
“Arrrrrgh, the baby! Bruce! Bruuuuce!”
“Whoa, a ghost, Patches!”
Yeah, sorry, Shawanda, but Bruce is Evil, and he does not care. Meet Laura, though!
Also, I was mistaken. THe house has a fridge and stove, but no counters.
I sent Shawanda there to visit her other kids, but it really wasn’t going too well.
“Hahaha! You going to pee your pants?! Are you?!”
“Sigh. Well at least you have your grandma, Laura.”
Okay, Shawanda, get a job as a photographer, and let’s get moving.
I think this guy is Shawanda’s other boyfriend? Can’t remember, honestly. Any any rate, I don’t think that umbrella is helping protect him from the snow and cold.
“Screw it, I’m tired of judging everyone.”
“Cocoa. I told you you could not escape me.”
See Jackrabbit there? Yeah. He got old and Cocoa was still kicking.
But at the front of the house… Hot Cop Action!
“I sense… Illicit kissing.”
So go around to the front of the house to see…
“Grrr, what’s going on here?!”
“Bruce, you asshole, how could you?!”
“Oh, hi, Shawanda!”
“Oh, but this is hot.”
She didn’t accuse him of cheating! The one time I want one of my Sims to accuse someone and destroy the relationship, and she just screams and then stares at them! Nothing in the queue!
Instead, she chose to go after Emilia.
So I went, okay, clearly more drastic measures are needed.
“Oh Bruce, I never thought I’d feel this close to someone…”
“Yeah, shame the horse died.”
Okay, going well…
She didn’t accuse him of cheating.
In fact, I think the yelling she’s doing here was something I told her to do.
“Bitch, I brought you into this family, and I can take you out.”
“Oh yeah? Bring it.”
Pierce, for fuck’s sake, there’s a sandwich behind you.
And yeah, Pierce grew old. Must have been a very boring birthday.
“How could you yell at me when I’m on a date?! Do you know who I am?!”
“Sure I do! You’re a psychotic shit head fucking a boy toy to get over the death of your horse!”
Again: I had to force them to argue.
Beautiful Pierce. Definitely comparable to Charles’s drawing.
“Excuse me, but if you are done arguing with Daddy, it’s time for me to grow!”
“Who’s a cute little baby huh? Huh?”
Lamont grew up… Weird-looking. You’ll see.
Look who we spotted down at Ancient Inspirations! Samara, Don, and what I presume is a paparazzi!
“Come, Emilia, let us dance like those paintings in the museum!”
“Damn, I love living here, Bruce. Sauna, fried food… It’s the best.”
“Hell yeah. Nothing like a nice bath to finish it all off.”
Dammit, you two!
“Oh, baby, you like what you see?”
“I’m… Coming… Faaaahahhh… Yaaaaaaa!”
“Oh come on, seriously? Just what I need at the party!”
“Please, Shawanda, leave me alone. I can’t be help responsible for Bruce.”
“Oh hehehe, this is so good!”
At this point I started to realize why these two just would not break up. They’re just damn perfect for each other. Well, sucks for them.
Sasha! You finally aged up!
“Yeah, and now I’m a silver fox. Pink isn’t really my colour though.”
Well let’s get this party going. Hey, who brought the dog that Duchess sees?
Such general fuzziness, all around.
“Um, hello, I’ve been trapped!”
“Um, hello, this zombie is in my way!”
“So, mystery dog, I like dogs! We used to have a dog.”
“I hate hawks.”
“Hmmm, what about water? I love water! Do you love water?”
“I hate horses.”
“Man, what a downer dog.”
“I guess you’re okay, downer dog.”
“I guess you’re okay, cheerful cat.”
“Yeah, my gift was nice, but what would have been better would’ve been a diamond. Blood diamonds are cheap, so it’s not that much to ask for!”
“Oh, what a wonderful party!”
Shawanda, seriously. You were a zombie!
“I’m mean anyway, lady.”
So I had Bruce steal candy from Laura because I thought he rolled it… Turns out he rolled the want for her to be Evil. Sorry Laura.
Don’t worry. She popped into toddlerhood either way.
Okay, Shawanda, enough is enough. Go back to your other kids and your other boyfriend.
“With Shawanda gone, my plan can come to fruition!”
“Bruce! You did it! You… You made me real!”
“Who’s a cute little baby, huh?”
“Hey! Who left this poor kitten out in the snow!”
“I don’t know, Emilia. But pack your bags. It’s time to go.”
And that’s a wrap! Sorry it was a bit short, but I prefer to leave new houses as new episodes. Next time: where is the family going? Who will be Bruce’s second spouse? What is that kitten’s name? Will the horses continue to get stuck in the foundation? (Yes.) Tune in next time!
Don and Samara are Sims of Candi. See TS3 Legacy: Maleficent Deeds for more details.