I had never imagined living in a city.
I was your average small-town poor girl, no future but coming back to my old home, a cycle of stagnancy.
But after leaving the army, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go back to that stifling life after seeing the world.
There was an opening for a cheap apartment in Culpepper House — cheap for a city, anyway. Mom fretted, but I left.
No job, no money to my name… Just an old place to live in a new-age city.
There was only one thought in my mind:
“What the fuck was I thinking?!”
Hey, at least it’s a home!
“Hi neighbor! We sensed a disturbance in the force and decided to stop by!”
“Are you… Are you serving his heart on a platter?!”
“Oh it’s fine, he doesn’t need one anyway.”
“Soooooo how are you liking San Myshuno?”
“Well I’ve only lived here–”
“Great, great! So I brought this fruit cake, I hope you like it. Mind if I eat some first?”
“So my fruitcake recipe requires a bonfire. You stick it in and cook it for five hours!”
“Gosh, I love that idea!”
“This tastes like garbage…”
“Oh, oh my gosh! I think I ate the ribbon!”
“So what I really wanted was a robot but my husband wasn’t keen on it, saying something about businesses not being open or whatever, so we decided a baby would be just as good, but these hormones just make me do crazy things like eat ribbons and–”
“Ooooh, what a foxy lady. I love the way she’s eating that fruitcake. I have some fruit I could show her–”
“Look, I’m telling you, marriage is nothing but a prison sentence.”
“Yes, yes! That’s what I tell Mum all of the time!”
“You see, I just like wandering around in my boxers too much to have kids. Cramps my style.”
“You are speaking my language, Casey.”
“So I’m originally from a place called Pleasantview. Have you heard of it? Used to be the big place to be, but then this alien abduction happened and–”
“Whoa whoa whoa, Arun, no one wants to see that! Have some decency!”
“Heeeey, baby, looking mighty fine–”
“Arun, come on–”
“That’s it. You guys can hang out. I’m going for a run.”
“God, those people are more gossipy than Mortimer II, I swear. Maybe some fresh air will help…”
“Hey, what’s up?”
“I’m watching you, you evil newcomer! I’m watching you!”
“Huh, that’s kind of cool… I guess. Do you have any other tricks? Hello? … Hello?”
“Hell yeah, nothing like some basketball, eh, ram lady?”
“So uh, are minotaurs common in San Myshuno?”
“We didn’t used to be, but we’re certainly growing now! Seems to have people on-edge, like we’re harbingers of doom or something, haha!”
“We’re totally harmless, though. Just want to shoot some nuke– hoops!”
“Hiya, everyone! Don’t mind me barging into your game!”
“Well, that didn’t help me relax at all. I thought Strangetown was weird…”
“Hi, honey! You don’t mind if we barge in, do you?! Great!”
“Ahhh, nothing like a nice relaxing bath!”
Would you get those off?!
“You didn’t strike me as a party person, Raj.”
“I’m not, sure I’ll do anything to get out of the house.”
“Since when is food allowed out here?!”
“Shut up, you called me in the middle of dinner!”
“Look, you live right next door. We might as well be friends.”
“Wow, thanks! Though since when is the lock on your door the size of my hand.”
“Well you know old buildings and their quirks…”
“I guess this isn’t so bad — at least the DJ has an idea of what music is.”
“I can hear you, you know.”
“All right, this is perfect workout music!”
“You know, Raj, thanks for inviting me out. It was fun dancing literally all night long instead of sleeping.”
At which point these classy Sims did really classy things.
“Thanks for the invite. Maybe I can see you tonight.”
“Haha, you’re so funny, Raj. Hooking the tub up to the pipes, what an idea!”
And the angels sing…
Not for long, though!
“I can’t believe this! There’s no way it’s legal to let rodents into an upstairs apartment!”
“Yes, that’s right, I have rodents in my bedroom, cockroaches in the living room, and water leaking out in my bedroom and bathroom!”
(I wish I was exaggerating with this caption.)
Luckily maintenance has insomnia.
“Cockroaches can’t stand Febreeze!”
“Ugh, I can’t take this! My room smells like mildew, the city is louder than an airbase, and that Febreeze smells like rat farts!”
“Calm down, Casey, calm down. Leave the front and patio doors open, and it’ll all air out. Deep breaths, now…”
“Thanks for coming out with me, Raj. My apartment still smells like ass.”
“I know. I can still smell it.”
“Look, I’m still working in social media and they want me to trend. Let’s pose like fools. Simstagram will go nuts!”
“I can out-drink you, suburban brat.”
“We’ll just see, civilian coward.”
“Well that was a good time, especially since I out drank that judgmental bitch.”
“Too bad I had to carry you home…”
“Jeez, does everything in the city break down?! I just want to make some noodles…”
“So this is an… Interesting bar.”
“It’s Knight Night, man! The night of knights! When you want a knightly experience in a nightly–”
“Okay, I get it.”
And then this stupid bullshit kept happening.
“You harlot, are you flirting with other knights?!”
No, she’s not! I don’t know why you think she is!
“Cruel woman, how can you do this to me?!”
She’s not doing anything!
I finally found the fucking culprit.
“Oh baby, you’re smooth like melted cheese in a–”
Would you stop flirting with her and get out?!
“Look, Raj, I swear it meant nothing.”
“Sure, sure. It’s because I don’t have shining armor, isn’t it?!”
“No! Would you just listen to me?!”
“It’s because I don’t call you smooth, isn’t it? Because instead I say you cling to me like–”
“Would you listen?!”
“This is so frustrating. I finally find a guy that I think I love — really love — and it’s all in shambles due to an idiot in a costume who can’t take a hint! There must be some way to resolve this… Mom would know how, but she’d insist on visiting…”
“Oh jeez, I haven’t had food like this since Strangetown. Keep it together, remember what the locals taught you…”
True fashionista, here.
“Ugh, this shirt feels way too tight.”
And you lost your awesome CC shirt too. Grrr, festival!
Excuse me, but I’m pretty sure you have your own apartment.
“Oh jeez, I hope nobody saw that. Felt like the ground just shook a bit… Maybe I’m just tired.”
“Fuck the police!”
“Let us leave this earth!”
“What have the police ever done for us?!”
“Ugh, another tremor, I feel si–”
“God, those tremors keep happening… Maybe I better go home. My stomach doesn’t feel right.”
“Ahhh, some udon should make me feel better!”
“Thanks for coming over, random blonde dudes.”
“Any time, honey. It’s important for you to receive the word of Definitely White Blonde Jesus. Here’s a book of his words.”
“*sniff* Oh Bertrude, how could this have happened? Where did we go wrong?”
*psssssssh* ATTENTION CITIZENS, PLEASE
“Oh my head… What… What happened?!”
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